


What Defines You

by aflawedfashion



Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Post Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 11:00:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19810909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: On the night of the series finale, Amanda locked herself in her office, avoiding the party in Nolan's honor. At the party, Alak is reminded that he lost a man who treated him like a son when he needed it most. That night, Amanda and Alak talk, and Amanda offers Alak a glimpse of a potential future.





	What Defines You

Amanda locked herself in her office, writing memos and signing documents until the party in Darby Square had ended, and the silence in her office had become overwhelming. She couldn’t bring herself to work a moment longer. Her pencil dropped to the desk, and she looked up from her papers. The heel of her boot tapped rapidly against the hardwood floor until she stood in a swift, determined motion. 

Without thinking, she slipped her arms into her leather jacket and strode into the streets with her back to the newly illuminated arch. Its triumphant glow might have sent her over the edge, and she was already precariously close.

Amanda knew it wasn’t healthy to lock herself in her office all night, but it would have been worse for her to stand silently in front of a town full of people who expected her to inspire them when she had no inspiration to give. 

They already asked her about him every day. Some of them treated her like a widow, and others told her not to worry - she could find another lawkeeper, but every comment hurt more than she would ever admit. And she had nothing to say, no answers to give.

But she knew that hopeless feeling wouldn’t last forever, and now that she had survived the day and let herself out of her cage, she was beginning to feel alive again. She would inspire the town on another day, on another subject.

As her nerves calmed and her pace slowed, she turned a corner to find Alak Tarr playing with his son on the sad little patch of grass that passed for a park in Defiance. His white hair shone yellow, illuminated by a string of lights that ran haphazardly along the fence behind him. A wave of guilt passed over Amanda as she surveyed the sweet, yet sad sight. With endless catastrophes threatening to destroy her town, she hardly had time to ensure it was still a place where people actually wanted to live.

“What are you doing out so late?” Amanda noticed that while Luke looked to be having the time of his life, Alak looked utterly exhausted. “Shouldn’t you both be asleep?”

“Oh, hey.” Alak brushed his hair out of his face and sat up straight. “I didn’t think you’d be out here.” 

“I was feeling cooped up in my office.” Amanda sat down beside Luke and gave him a friendly smile. She didn’t always know how to behave around babies, but she tried her best. “I skipped the party,” she said to Alak without taking her eyes off Luke.

“Everyone noticed.” 

She turned to Alak with a half-hearted shrug. “I had a lot of work to do.” 

“You don’t have to make excuses,” Alak said. He picked up one of Luke’s toys and began fidgeting with it. “No one likes a funeral.” 

Amanda’s stomach clenched at the accuracy of Alak’s words. “It wasn’t a funeral,” she managed to choke out.

“Technically, no, but it sure did feel like one.”

Amanda sighed and let her gaze wander over Alak’s shoulder into the empty street, more comfortable watching laundry billow on a clothesline in the distance than looking into Alak’s eyes. “You’re not wrong.”

“It was fun at first,” Alak said, “but then everyone started telling stories about Nolan, and I got to thinking about how he sat with me in the NeedWant after Christie died… He let me talk to him all night after my own parents kicked me to the floor and told me to get over the fact that my mother killed my wife. It was a lot to unload on someone.” Alak paused, and Amanda returned her gaze to his pained expression. “I never told him how much that meant to me.” 

“He knew. Trust me, he knew,” Amanda said. “But I know how you feel.” She picked up a blade of grass and wound it around her finger. “There’s so much I needed to say to him too.”

“God.” Alak winced. “I’m such an idiot. I didn’t even think. You were closer to Nolan than I ever was, and yet here I am, a grown adult, complaining that he won’t get to play dad to me when both of my parents are still alive.” 

“It’s ok,” Amanda reassured him. “I know your parents, and I can’t blame you.” Amanda smiled sympathetically. “And honestly, I’m just relieved that someone else is willing to say this feels like a funeral rather than a celebration.” 

“Irisa-”

“-isn’t willing to admit that she might never see him again. She’s absolutely convinced he’s living out his childhood dreams and that he might actually come back to Defiance when he’s done having his fun.” 

Alak paused, confusion in his eyes. “We don’t know he won’t come back…” his voice trailed off until he mumbled, “I want to believe she’s right.”

“Me too, but-” Amanda was cut off by Luke throwing a toy at her. Alak took the toy back and waited for Amanda to continue, but she didn’t feel like continuing that train of thought. She had imagined Nolan returning to her in a million romantic scenarios, and countered them with a million tragic scenarios. She didn’t have anything realistic to say to Alak on the subject, so she said, “I think it’s past his bedtime.”

“Yeah.” Disappointment shone in Alak’s eyes, and Amanda knew he wanted her to reassure him that everything would be fine, that Nolan would be fine. “I should get going.” He began packing up Luke’s toys. “Thanks for sitting with me.”

“Anytime.” She smiled. “And if you ever need to talk, I know I’m not Nolan. I have no concept of how male bonding works, but I have the best scotch in town, and I’m not Stahma. I won’t kill anyone you love.”

Alak’s face fell, and Amanda rushed to apologize. “Shit, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. No matter what she’s done, she’s still your mother, and I shouldn’t be so insensitive.” 

“No, don’t apologize for the truth.” Alak sighed. “I love my mother - I can’t help it - but she hurts people. She’s not a good person.” 

“If you want me to argue with you, and reassure you that she’s a good person deep down, I…” 

“I know you can’t,” Alak stated firmly. “I know who I come from, and I know what I stand to inherit from my parents.” He looked into Amanda’s eyes with defeat. “My parents constantly try to hurt me and undermine every decision I have ever made. That’s never going to change.”

“You’re not doomed by shitty parents,” Amanda said. “When I was a teenager, I stayed in school until the building was falling to pieces around me, and my mother told me not to bother. She said I needed to accept that this world had no future to offer me. Then she abandoned my sister and me to die in the streets.” Amanda took a breath, picturing her mother’s defeated face in her mind. “I never did graduate from high school,” Amanda continued, “but I’m the most powerful person in this town, and if I had listened to her, I’d be nowhere. I’d probably be dead.” Amanda squeezed Alak’s shoulder. “My point is, your parents don’t define you any more than my mother defined me.” 

“I’m not as strong as you are,” Alak said without doubt or sadness - a perceived character flaw that he had internalized long ago.

“Of course you are,” Amanda said. “You’re so much stronger than anyone gives you credit for.”

“Even if that’s true,” Alak said, “what do I do now? My radio station is gone. My wife is dead. My parents are terrorists. I have nothing left except a son who I don’t know how to raise on my own.” 

“You’re young. You’ll figure it out.” 

“I hope so.” 

Amanda picked another blade of grass, weighing an idea in her mind before asking, “You ever consider politics?” 

Alak laughed and shook his head. “No.” 

“You’d be good at it.” 

“No.” Alak laughed again.

“Sure you would,” Amanda said with complete sincerity. “You’ve defied all odds to survive in this world without losing perspective. You’re a good man and a good father.” She smiled, feeling more confident with every word she spoke. “You’re exactly what this town needs.” 

Alak’s laughter settled into an expression of intrigue. “You quitting your job?” he asked, half-jokingly.

“No, not any time soon, but someday someone else is going to run this town, and I think you’d be perfect.” 

“I have no experience.” 

“I can change that.” 

Luke gurgled happily, but Alak seemed at a loss for words.“So you’re saying…” 

“Come to my office Monday morning. 8am.” Amanda stood up, brushing the grass from her pants. “All I have available is entry level work, and the pay is shit, but you have to start somewhere.” 

“You’re serious?”

“Absolutely.” Amanda smiled, invigorated by the prospect. “So what do you say?” 

With wide eyes, he silently nodded his head up and down before saying, “I’ll be there.” 

“Good.” Amanda gave a single nod of her head in confirmation. “Because you have no idea how much paperwork is involved in fixing up a park. I’m gonna need help.”

  
  



End file.
